Bridging the Divide: How to Connect with People You Deeply Disagree With
Instinctively, when someone doesn’t agree with me or doesn’t “get” me or judges me, I think “That person doesn’t know me; they haven’t seen what I’ve seen!” and often “….That person is an idiot.” After having heard many people’s stories as a therapist, trying to understand both what clients were saying and the implicit experience of what they had been through, that thought is now often followed with the realization (much to my own annoyance): “I don’t know what they know. Could I be an idiot?”
In these times of deep political division, I still revert to this sense of knowing better than others. The thought of relating to “them” or the “other” political leanings makes me tense up. My defenses are locked and loaded. When I consider trying to glimpse through the eyes of my fellow Americans who support leaders and policy that causes harm, my defenses activate. “Why should I try to catch a glimpse through their eyes?” And “They made me a ‘them’ first.” The fact that my deep sense of threat is mirrored by a “them” towards me sort of blows my mind to bits. It’s infuriating.
But it is also reassuring in a way that resonates with truth in my thinking brain, though it is abstract to me emotionally at times. It shows what we have in common fundamentally. We all share the same basic needs and emotional responses.
What is “Us versus Them”: Why We Keep Doing This
Generally, in therapy, we must eventually explore unpleasant stuff, get to know it, and even honor and respect what it’s doing for us before we can reliably no longer be controlled by it. I can’t help applying what I’ve learned in therapy to my view of the world at large: Let’s talk more about “us versus them” through the lens of curiosity and nonjudgement.
Us/them demarcation is not new. It’s our penchant as human beings. Undeniably, it has caused much human suffering. Every harmful thing that has the capacity to take hold of us has foundations in our survival and well-being. Us/them lines are core to our identity and sense of self. Here’s some reasons why we are inherently partial to us/them, for better and worse.
Us/them or “in group/out group” allows people to feel a sense of belonging and cohesion. It fosters a social identity, gives us norms and expectations that provide structure and definition to our lives. That can be a good thing. I identify and am identified by my family, friend group, gender, profession, religious background, race, age, and country. This gives me a sense of who I am and provides the foundation for common ground in relationships with people who are “in group”. It helps keep me feeling safe and secure.
Us/them helps preserve the strength and integrity of our religious beliefs or cultural practices by virtue of their contrast with different beliefs or lifestyles.
Us/them makes things less stressful because things make more sense in our comfortable known way of life amongst our group. Uncertainty is minimized.
As for people outside of our group, we can lump them into common traits. Ah, relief. Simplified.
In cases where another group of people get the short end of the stick, us/them makes it so it doesn’t bother us so much. It’s not happening to “us”. We don’t have to deal with uncomfortable feelings (uncertainty, anxiety, guilt, sorrow) so much because they are “them”.
When we see another group as a different “them” who are less relatable, it’s easier to blame them for our problems; and this can distract us from real issues that exist in our own group or society. We avoid responsibility.
Us/them means there’s little point in engaging. Hence, it allows us to avoid the discomfort of confronting differences and engaging with them.
Us/them preserves the statis quo and social order that gives advantages to some over others. Some groups benefit greatly from our division and are incentivized to encourage it.
Us/them gives your group a sense of moral high ground.
Breaking Down the “Us versus Them” Divide
Again, every harmful thing that has the capacity to take hold of us has foundations in our survival and well-being.
Start by setting your intention towards grace, caring and acceptance to create space for honest self-assessment and openness to what you will learn about yourself. This alone is a lot of work. It’s work we are called upon to do our whole lives- if we are willing.
DO NOT discount your own vulnerability to biases. If you see yourself as a not-biased sort, I commend you. And I’m not buying it. While I love this intention, holding this ideal as a forgone conclusion is dangerous. The science is in: everyone has biases, many of which are unconscious. Try this to learn more about yours:
Reflect on Initial Reactions: Notice any immediate thoughts, judgments, or reactions you have toward different groups or individuals. Are you referring to someone pejoratively or assigning non-objective labels based on their group?
Notice Patterns in Decisions and Behaviors: Look at your choices, such as who you spend time with, who you trust, and even small everyday decisions (like who you ask for advice). Patterns can reveal unexamined biases.
Try out Implicit Association Tests (IAT) here. I tried a few of them myself and it read me cold!
Acknowledge Social Conditioning and Cultural Messages: Reflect on messages you received about your group and outside groups from your upbringing and other social settings. Reflect on messages about your group and other groups from media. How do those messages affect you today? I struggle with misgendering people because of my conditioning. In my experience, when misgendered, people generally offer me grace, but I catch a twinge in their faces. I hate that; I keep working on it.
Verify information. Don’t take for granted that something about “them” or “us” is correct because it sounds right.
Stories. Consume stories from and by people who are not like you. There is nothing more powerful for connection than someone sharing a part of their story. I don’t mean droning details, bragging, whining, or advising. I mean exposing the experience of them being them. How they struggle and what matters to them and why. There is some vulnerability that goes with this. Become a better conversationalist and get to know people in deeper ways that are still safe. Click here for some tips from Andes Counseling!
Diversify your exposure! Seek out books, movies, and other media created by or centered around people from different backgrounds than your own. Hearing voices outside of your usual sphere can challenge stereotypes and broaden your understanding.
Promote the stories of people who have different lived experiences than you.
Speak up in your own authentic way. When something disparaging is said about a perceived “them”, I love the strategy of just making it a little weird. Resist the unspoken invitation to validate these statements with words or nonverbal expressions. Perhaps simply say, “I don’t see it that way”. If applicable, claim your real relationships to members of the “them” to let people know it’s personal when these things are said. These are possible examples but, in any case, set course/intention to not be complicit in the marginalization of any “them”.
To being on the right side of history: Yes!! But the moral high horse thing: it’s not converting anyone. If you’re going to be a judgmental so-and-so about “them”, they’re gonna “them” you harder than they did before. Remember too that “them”-ing is easier in difficult and stressful times. By increasing our awareness, we can notice the urge as it arises in us and then we have an opportunity to act differently.
Conclusion
“Us versus them" thinking fosters division and hostility. While it provides a sense of identity and security, it limits our ability to understand each other and work toward common goals. The acts of making connection over “them”-ing is challenging. It’s uncomfortable. It involves sometimes painful realizations. Refusing to examine our own biases is what makes the stuff we have perhaps criticize others for, and it dismisses our personal responsibility. We can both promote truth and right and be open to our own blind spots. We have the power to create a more united and compassionate space in our personal spheres of influence. Those spheres of influence grow to a degree we may never fully know as we effectively embrace connection over division. Let’s do just that.
The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.
This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.
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