Stop Feeling Guilty: 5 Essential Truths to Guide Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries is an essential part of maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries help us protect our emotional space, preserve our well-being, and foster mutual respect with others. They enable us to communicate our needs and understand those of others. They allow us and those we interact with to know clearly how to conduct ourselves. That can be pretty reassuring and comforting. Yet, for many, expressing those boundaries can feel daunting, often accompanied by feelings of guilt.

So what do we do when guilt creeps in? For starters, it’s crucial to acknowledge that guilt is a normal emotional response. Rather than rushing to make the feeling stop by backpedaling on our boundaries, we can take a moment to understand it. Understanding the truth about the guilt that comes from setting boundaries will help give you the staying power to hold to those boundaries and the flexibility to make adjustments when necessary. Read on for 5 truths to guide setting boundaries without regret.

1. Feelings of Guilt Can Be Misleading

On one hand, healthy guilt acts as an alert mechanism. Letting us know where we may have overstepped our own ethics. It reflects our moral values and helps us see where we have made mistakes. It motivates us to make necessary repairs in relationships and do better in general. However, on the other hand, confusing guilt can be overwhelming and prompt us to compromise healthy boundaries. It often stems from a fear of rejection, being disliked, or disappointing others.

So how do you tell the difference? When guilt arises, instead of rushing to “undo” a boundary to make the guilt go away, take a moment to ask yourself: “What is this feeling of guilt about? Have I acted in a way that doesn’t align with my values? Or is there something else the guilt is trying to protect me from? Is this guilt brought on by fear? What am I afraid might happen?...”

Exploring our feelings, including guilt, with calm compassion and curiosity is the formula for increasing self-awareness and informing better and better boundaries.

2. Confusing Guilt Is an Adaptation That Has Been Useful at Times

We all received messages from our families, communities, and cultures about how we should behave, which may have led us to feel guilty when we strayed from those norms. Even though confusing guilt no longer serves us, it helps to know our feelings of guilt are adaptive responses we picked up to help us get along in the past. This can help us feel more compassion towards ourselves and even our confusing guilt, enabling us to sit with the guilt and understand it better.

Even if change makes perfect sense, it’s hard to go against the old ways. It feels weird. But when the old ways don’t work anymore, there just is no way that isn’t going to feel weird! It’s no wonder it takes thoughtful, attentive work to deal with that uncomfortable, confusing guilt. Fortunately, with this work, confusing guilt lessens over time, new ways themselves become more intuitive, old hat.

3. Good Boundaries Enhance Relationships

One common fear is that setting boundaries will harm relationships. Well, the truth is boundaries strengthen relationships. When we communicate our needs and respect those of others, a sense of safety and understanding follows. Healthy boundaries allow both parties to feel seen, respected, and understood.

If a relationship is harmed by healthy boundaries, it’s possible that the relationship was already struggling or should be redefined. A relationship built on mutual respect should be able to withstand clear, respectful boundaries. May we all find connection with people who honor our limits. And may we all act in kind.

4. Good Boundaries Make Us Nicer to Be Around

Boundaries not only improve relationships—they also help us show up as better versions of ourselves.

When we fail to set boundaries, we risk building resentment, which can lead to emotional outbursts, passive-aggressive behaviors or emotional shut down. We may find ourselves lashing out at small things, flaking on commitments we never really wanted to take on in the first place, or withdrawing entirely. Even if we manage to avoid all of that, when we don’t set good boundaries, we wear ourselves out. We do things more out of obligation instead of true generosity. It doesn’t feel as good; it’s harder to show up fully as our bright, shiny selves.

But setting clear boundaries makes us more available, genuine, and stable in our relationships. We become less likely to act out sideways by canceling or just being cranky. People know they can trust what we say. We don’t have to harbor hidden frustrations because our good boundaries have shielded us from situations that conflict with our needs and values. We learn to trust ourselves more because we’ve demonstrated we will establish comfortable boundaries for our lives which feels amazing and puts us at ease. And next thing you know, we’re sending out more pleasant, more chill, more welcome vibes to everyone around us.

5. Improving Boundary Setting and Lessening Guilt is Possible

Setting boundaries is a skill—and like any skill, it takes learning and practice and it doesn’t turn out how we want at first. That’s the bummer news. The good news is that it’s something you can learn and improve. We have control!

At times, it can be hard to know where our boundaries even lie. Pay attention to when you feel annoyed, anxious, or guilty after an interaction. Sometimes, those emotions signal that your boundaries are being compromised. Remember, just because a feeling arises, it doesn’t mean we have to act on it. Practice allowing guilty feelings to come and go while holding your ground. Marriage and family therapist Julie Menanno of @thesecurerelationship goes through the exploration of an emotion using illustrations here.

Standing up for your needs risks displeasing others, but it’s essential to find your own style for communicating boundaries. There are strategies that can help you effectively express your needs. Simply giving yourself a break, not feeling guilty for the guilt or judging yourself for the discomfort and difficulty works wonders! You might bounce off a strategy with a trusted friend and/or use tools like DEAR MAN (a technique from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Julie describes DEAR MAN here.

(…Actually, may I suggest you follow @thesecurerelationship with me in general!)

Setting boundaries is crucial for building healthy, respectful relationships with yourself and with others. While guilt may arise, learning to manage it and distinguish between healthy and confusing guilt will help you maintain those boundaries with increasing confidence. You deserve to advocate for your own needs. Embrace the process! It’s worth working for. A more balanced, authentic life without the weight of guilt awaits.

The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.

This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.

If you are in crisis or struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out. Dial 1-844-534-HOPE (4673) in Arizona or 988 for help nationwide.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.