Are You “Being Defensive”? How to Tell and What to Do
Life is full of setbacks, hardships, screw ups and screw overs. We all must figure out how to cope without losing our minds!
That’s why we have defense mechanisms. These are thought and behavior strategies we use to A.) Cope with conflict, stress or general discomfort by some means that allows us to B.) Avoid addressing the actual cause or emotions of that conflict, stress or general discomfort for the time being. Our defense mechanisms step in to protect us from being hurt by scrutiny and judgement. They protect us from becoming overwhelmed. With all their seeming nonsense, defense mechanisms are actually trying to help us.
Though the term “Defense Mechanism” was coined by Freud a long time ago with an original list, we are in no way limited to the classics like “denial” and “projection”. There are so, so many defense mechanisms.
Your Defense Portfolio is as Unique as You Are
Besides being numerous, defense mechanisms can be combined in innumerable ways. These combinations are as unique as each of us. Uncomfortable sitting in syrupy emotions? You could focus on calculations, planning and intellectualizing. If you are afraid of ridicule, you could beat them to the punch with jokes and sarcasm to make yourself emotionally bulletproof. Not ready to face your own regrets? Focus on the legitimately annoying things other people are doing. You’ll have so much distraction from your own problems, you’ll never want.
It seems to me there are some defense mechanisms that are seen as “defensive” where others aren’t. This is unfair and can feel maddening in fact. We ALL rely on defense mechanisms sometimes.
Access a list of defense mechanisms here.
How to Know when Your Coping Strategy is a Defense Mechanism
Frankly, it’s often hard to tell.
We often apply defense mechanisms without realizing it. We don’t recognize that we are prolonging our suffering or hurting others by not dealing with something directly. Sometimes the stories our minds create to explain why we are upset cloud our awareness. Sometimes the defense mechanisms are a psychological reflex that is out of our control.
Knowing when our coping is moving us towards being able to address the true sources of stress and anxiety or when it’s moving us in the opposite direction through defensiveness is challenging. We can get better (but probably never perfect) by observing our own thoughts, behaviors and emotions as data points and not being so quick to judge or take the information they provide as the whole truth. This is a type of mindfulness practice. To that point, please check out my article on the “Emotional Jedi”.
Your energetic state also provides important clues. Defense mechanisms often exist in energetic states that are either heightened (worked up, anxious, or agitated) or energetic states that are dulled (sense of shut down, indifference, or numbness).
Defense Mechanisms vs. Addictive Behaviors
The function of defense mechanisms and addictive behaviors are so similar that I believe they exist on the same continuum. An addictive behavior is a defense mechanism that gets so big it disrupts our lives, routinely disrupting our ability to authentically connect with ourselves. Addictive behaviors pull us out of balance with our emotional and physical health.
This is all the more reason to learn about our own defenses!
How to be Less Defensive
Even if they’re wreaking chaos, your defense mechanisms are trying to help you and protect you from getting hurt. Defenses naturally wane when we are setting good boundaries for ourselves, take responsibility for our actions, and get better at recognizing and addressing the needs and concerns the defenses are trying to protect in the first place. To understand your own defense mechanisms, you might try the following:
Change always starts with expansion of awareness. Pay attention to when you might be becoming defensive.
When you notice yourself drawing on a defense mechanism, take some time to explore internally. Adopt an intention of setting aside feelings of frustration in favor of a more calm, curious and compassionate attitude towards the part of you that’s defensive.
Consider what the defense is trying to help you with or protect you from. Answers to what your real needs are can come from this.
Consider accessible things you can do you can begin to address those needs and follow through.
Each of these steps can be complex. Simply working towards tapping into a calm, curious and compassionate frame of mind can get you great places. Counseling can also help.
Conclusion
Sometimes our defense mechanisms make us act like jerks. This is true for everyone. Through the way we live our own lives; working on our own defenses and using them to better understand ourselves and others; we can make our world less defensive and more compassionate.
In my yoga classes, the instructors often express an interpretation of “Namaste” to mean the light in me sees and recognizes the light in you, suggesting that this shared experience of inner light connects us. I like to think the screwed up, bit-of-a-jerk in me sees and recognizes the screwed up, bit-of-a-jerk in you. I believe when I can relate compassionately to the screwed up, bit-of-a-jerk in me, I can compassionately relate to the screwed up, bit-of-a-jerk in you. And when that happens, we are connected in a way that is deeper, more powerful, and truly human.
This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.
The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.
Photo by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash.
