7 Proven Therapist Tricks for Giving Amazing Advice

A cool way to seem smart is to reflect someone’s own wisdom back at them. Steering people towards their own answers is the slick trick to giving the best advice. As a therapist, I chime in my own stuff on theory, skills, things to try; but ultimately, I trust my clients have good sense, know-how, and the ability to intuit their own best path when their psychological barriers are managed.

Anyone can get better at practicing this reflecting strategy of offering “advice”. What’s awesome about this is you don’t have to know the answers for other people. (What a load off!)

Here’s 7 strategies for giving amazing “advice”…

“Hold My Calls”

When someone is talking about a true struggle, practice focusing your mind entirely on what they are saying. The mind likes to wander. Bring it back when you notice it’s wandered off. Listen and hear what they are saying. Give people time to form and express their thoughts. Avoid assessment or judgement, just listen. Perhaps the greatest care you can show someone is by fully listening.

Be Curious

Many times, the initial problem statement someone makes is about a symptom and not the actual problem. If you take off running with the initial statement, you may not be helping. Your friend might groan and announce, “My mom’s crazy!” Resist writing a prescription for crazy moms and instead ask open-ended questions, listen for the answers and then ask more open-ended questions that flow organically from there. Ask questions to understand the other person’s intentions and motives. Ask questions to draw the information that would be necessary to make the best informed next steps. I took a lesson from my teenage clients at my first counseling job. They asked questions boldly without tiptoeing around because they sincerely wanted to know. Ask your questions without judgement or expectation.

Open-ended questions often begin with the classics: “Who?” “What?” “How?” “Where?” “When?” and “Why?”*

“What happened before hand?” 

“Where were you guys when things went off?” 

“Who’s going to be upset?”

“When do you have to give them an answer?”

And so on…

*Now, questions starting with “Why…?” can be tricky. They can often imply judgement, i.e. “Why would you do that?” In general, seek to keep your heart’s intentions empty of judgement as much as possible because a judgmental sounding question can slip out other ways and reveal you, i.e. “What were you thinking?”

Another word of caution: Be careful of advice disguised as questions. I.e. “Have you tried yoga?”

Even though everyone should try yoga in my opinion.

…It really is hard it is not to give actual advice!

Let Them Know You Care

Showing you are listening thoughtfully, asking fitting questions, and avoiding expressing your own experiences or opinions sends a multilayered message of caring.

You can also express caring and positive regard outright, provided it is sincere. You might convey your observation of the person’s strengths and abilities. When people know and feel that you see their competence, it’s empowering. These expressions don’t have to be syrupy. A simple, “I’m rooting for you,” or “Keep me informed?” can be a boost.

A word of caution here: Don’t lie and don’t patronize. Don’t tell someone they’re crushing it if you don’t believe they are indeed crushing it. Although there are almost always genuine signs of strength, resilience and success we can comment on, resist the urge to try to force it.

When we are stuck for encouraging words, stating a true caring intention such as “I will hold you in my heart,” or “I will be holding an intention/prayer of hope/peace/strength for you” can be powerful.

It bears repeating that listening, being a witness to someone’s experience is probably the deepest act of caring. When we have the experience of receiving or offering this, it’s truly incredible.

Paraphrase and Summarize

Paraphrasing is the practice of repeating back what you heard in your own words, demonstrating you processed the information and are intently listening. You can paraphrase anytime. Once you get an account of things, try paraphrase a summary of the account you just heard in 1-2 sentences. It gives you a chance to have any of your misunderstandings corrected to make sure you got it right. It also gives the other person a bird’s eye view of the situation, which can be very helpful when you’re stuck in the weeds of a dilemma.

Start with a road sign to signal the paraphrase is coming. Some examples are: “Hold on, I want to make sure I’m getting this right...” or “Let me make sure I’m understanding...” I’m in the habit of asking “Let me make sure I’m picking up what you’re putting down...” But I recently heard one that goes, “I think I’m smelling what you’re stepping in…”

I think that last one could work pretty great actually. Why not?

You might be surprised at the grace people will give you when they feel safe and respected as you practice and embody these techniques.

“Hear” the Feelings Too

John Steinbeck said, “You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself”. 

When you listen to someone talk about their struggles, imagine what their feelings might be or might have been during the events. While we can’t know exactly what they have experienced, our understanding of our emotional relationship with our own experiences provides us with some basis for understanding. This, to me, is the best argument that our work in therapy to understand ourselves and our own feelings is not selfish. It actually increases our capacity to help others.

Nonetheless, just as we can misinterpret explicit details, we can also misinterpret emotions. Paraphrasing helps here too. You might proffer, “That sounds so frustrating!” or “It’s like one more thing!” or “You must be stunned!” When you take a stab at identifying the emotion out loud, it gives them a chance to correct you. i.e. “It wasn’t so much frustrating as disappointing.”

Sometimes, when I try this, the feedback I get is just a scrunched-up face look. Which is enough to know I missed the mark. That’s OK. I just acknowledge, “Maybe not then? I guess I read it wrong,” and get back to listening and asking questions.

Help Them Identify Their Own Next Steps

Sometimes this strategy is completely unnecessary. If you have truly listened to someone, you have given them a gift of caring. If the person wants to make change from there or needs to figure out pragmatic steps, try asking “What are your options?” “What have you tried?” or “What makes the most sense right now?”

Rinse and repeat.

Mind Your Own Well-Being

Sometimes, for various reasons, we just aren’t in the right emotional or head space to be a good, caring listener for someone else. That’s OK. Set thoughtful boundaries as needed. This practice works best when you can offer it graciously.

There you have it. The Best. Advice. Ever. ;)

This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.

The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.