Why Do I Hate Myself Sometimes? How to Nurture Self-Compassion and Acceptance
there is you and you.
this is a relationship.
this is the most important relationship.
-home
by nayyirah waheed
I’ve seen the importance of a compassionate relationship with self be dismissed so many times, written off as selfish and froufrou. I’ve heard people worry that if they got too “kumbayah” with themselves, they’d avoid taking needed responsibility. I’ve also seen many agree fully that loving yourself is well and good …in theory but, at the same time, experience a visceral repulsion to the idea.
To the skeptics, I say self-compassion is pragmatic. There is no greater gift you can give the world than to be all right with yourself. A caring and understanding relationship with yourself means the world will find you much nicer to live with. It grants you access to deeper understanding and compassion for others. It allows you to define and hold boundaries, avoiding resentments. It creates the backdrop to process grief and pain, allowing you to lighten your burden and not be defined by it. It grants you access to all your emotions, deepening feelings of sorrow, yes, but also joy. In a caring relationship with yourself, you are safe to admit personal responsibility and take control of improving your life. If you have even the slightest bit of curiosity or hope for these benefits of self-compassion, I’d say that’s enough to give it a try.
To those whose own bodies fight the notion of self-compassion, love and acceptance. I say, that’s OK too. You don’t have to jump into self-compassion, love, and acceptance full stop. Yikes! That’ll only catapult that yucky feeling. You surely can test the waters and move in gradually. I recommend just that.
I am serious about this stuff. If there was one therapist-y message I could shout from the mountains it would be that you deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion.
Signs of Trouble in the “You and You” Relationship
Harsh or Judgmental Thoughts- This looks like regularly engaging in harsh self-criticism or negative self-talk. Viewing yourself in a negative light or focusing on negatives about yourself, not seeing evidence that conflicts with the negative. Dismissing your achievements. Setting unrealistic standards for yourself. Being judgmental of others.
Feeling Unworthy or a Lack of Confidence- This looks like not feeling comfortable in your skin. Sensing other people believe you are generally in the way or not wanted. Feeling fear of your true self being seen or heard. Feeling rejection ahead of time. Overreacting to rejection or setbacks. A drive to please everyone else. A heavy drive to prove yourself to others.
Actions that Include Avoiding Risks, Neglecting Yourself, and Dismissing Praise from Others- This looks like avoiding new opportunities. Not holding yourself accountable for addressing problems and working on self-improvement. Isolating or withdrawing from others or putting on a performance for others all the time, not being your true self. Neglecting personal needs. Leaning on self-effacing humor. Procrastinating.
Critically, fraught relationships with ourselves can build to the extent to make life misery. If there’s one person you can never get away from,… it’s you. This terrible state has reason, but things are not without hope.
Things That Harm the “You and You” Relationship
The influence of societal standards, cultural expectations, family norms, and images idealized by the media can significantly impact our relationships with ourselves. We can experience constant assaults to our sense of self if we don’t fit “ideals” of beauty, success, and lifestyle. Depending on what traditions we were brought up in and our personal identity, the greater society and media might subtly tell us that we are not among the people who get to enjoy success and respect. Even worse, sometimes these messages come from our own families or local communities. This takes a tremendous and insidious toll on our relationship with our own selves.
Our experience of trauma and adversity including personal failures, traumatic events or bullying mar our relationships with ourselves. We internalize the message that we are inadequate or flawed. We might deliberately or involuntarily hold on to blaming ourselves for some sense of control when we were hurt by people and circumstances, we had no control over. We come to rely on the natural reaction to protect ourselves by shutting down our attunement to our own feelings to protect ourselves from feeling hurt.
Relationships with the people who cared for us in our earliest years of life have the capacity to instill the best foundation for self-caring and compassion or cause the most harm. Attentive and loving caregivers instill in us, in a felt way down to our bones, that we are loved, accepted, safe, and just plain A-OK. Many of us missed out on this to varying degrees.
Often, we find we lean into harsh self-talk, feelings of shame, or behaviors that sabotage or otherwise harm ourselves. Sometimes it just feels “right” and comfy, like anything else would be gooey and weird. It’s what we know. It’s how we maintain a sense of control over things going amuck. Unfortunately, as with any relationship, treatment like this only results in reinforcing alienation. I think often the biggest barrier to self-compassion and acceptance is that a part of us knows that our grief and pain will begin to surface in that type of internal environment. This can be too much to take all at once without the right support. I think of the beautiful “Killing Me Softly with His Song.” (Click to connect to a rendition by Roberta Flack.)
Paths to Build and Nurture the “You and You” Relationship
This is not an all-inclusive list of course. There are many paths to healing. I hope you will follow more than one.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Techniques- Many of us talk to ourselves in a manner that is quite harsh. This hurts our relationship with ourselves. Increasing your awareness of your internal thoughts and feelings through CBT can give you great information about your thought reactions and instructions on how you can begin to change them. Often our negative thoughts, despite feeling like gospel, are quite irrational. Most therapists are trained in CBT and can help you with this work. Many people experience great benefit from learning about these techniques on their own too. There are many books and workbooks that teach CBT and can get you started. You might start with the classic Feeling Good by David D. Burns. Before I knew about therapy stuff, I read Learned Optimism by Martin Saligman and had to concede my internal critical monologue had been quite slanted, honing in on data points that suggested I was generally not good. My “you and you” relationship shifted in a real way that has held ever since.
Sensory Interventions such as Yoga and Biofeedback- Sometimes all the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the world won’t convince your nervous system that it’s OK to relax into compassion and acceptance. Trauma has the effect of alienating us from a felt connection and care for our own feelings and physical bodies. Sensory practices improve our awareness of our physical body and, consequently, build the sense of connection which offers real and gradual recovery for the “you and you” relationship. Besides yoga and biofeedback, sensory interventions include art therapy, dancing, guided meditation, and approaches such as EMDR and Somatic Therapy utilized by therapists.
Caring Relationships with Other People- Couples therapist and author Harville Hendrix said “Because we are wounded in relationships, it is ultimately through relationships we must heal and grow.” Connection with caring and emotionally attuned others is tremendously healing but it doesn’t have to be in a romantic partnership. Dear friends, mentors, and our beloved pets all can provide healing comfort and connection.
Time Outdoors- Spending time in nature can significantly boost your mood and reduce feelings of anxiety, depression, and anger. A serene atmosphere, combined with the sensory experience of sights, sounds, and smells, calls us to be at peace with ourselves.
Art- When a poem, song, painting, sculpture, or photograph captures a feeling or a moment that resonates with us; this can be very healing.
Therapy- When you are stuck, look for a guide that you can trust. A good therapist will offer a felt sense of safety, compassion, and acceptance while also challenging you. This is a felt experience that you can tap into as you build your own compassionate, internal, “you and you” relationship. A good therapist will be with you as you explore feelings and memories. They will provide structure and guidance, so you won’t be overwhelmed. They will help you access the paths to healing.
In a healthy “you and you” relationship, you don’t get away with bad behavior. This healthy relationship means increased personal accountability because in an environment of your own acceptance and appreciation you are safe to acknowledge and learn from mistakes without your own harsh judgement. In this “you and you” relationship, you can be more honest about mistakes and learn from them. You can ask other people for help and receive it. This is the type of “you and you” relationship where you can engage in recovery, and you can grow. In this “you and you” relationship, you know that you are not your mistakes, and you are not what has happened to you. You know it in your bones.
Ultimately the work of developing a caring, accepting, and compassionate relationship with ourselves IS the work of recovery and healing. It is the work of knowing ourselves and finding our true identities. It is work that gets easier over time but never ends. Cultivating compassion and acceptance for yourself is perhaps the most important work you can do.
I hope you keep searching for the paths and ways that bring you home to yourself.
…the most important relationship.
The content here is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.
This information does not pertain to situations involving eminent danger or risk of physical safety.
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